cielja@askcielja.com
THE COMPLEXITY OF CLEANING UP
One of the biggest stresses of moms is the feeling that they have to pick up after their child. They think their child does not care and is insensitive for the stress it gives them.
Moms do also worry that the child will never learn and may turn out to be a messy grown-up.
It is a real problem that moms struggle a lot with. How come? Because it is a problem with many layers!
It has a NEED PROBLEM layer because it takes so much time and energy of the mom to clean up constantly, while it brings her no joy.
It is a a multi-layered VALUE PROBLEMA as
1. the mom does not feel understood by the child;
2. the mom sees the child as not-caring, selfish;
3. the mom feels guilty to not be able to, or incompetent to make the child clean up;
4. fear that the child may turn out to be a messy grown up.
To request cooperation of a child we need to find out what it is that we are asking. It may be so simple for us: picking up cloths and toys and putting them in a box, right? What can be more simple than that?
Just do as I say….. Why is there so much reluctance?
WHAT CLEANING UP IS FOR A CHILD
Cleaning up is not of young children’s interest or way of thinking.
Unless the cleaning up is trained as a habit-thing -like in daycares they start the song and all kids know it is clean up time and going home time- ,kids will have a hard time doing it. It needs to be initiated and guided every time by the grown up.
A child does not look forward to a ‘cleaned up room’. There is no particular joy or pride in that.
Stuff, clothing, toys/environment are subservient to their imagination/needs and ‘moving around’ of their being. Playing never stops. They may even finally pick up a toy, but at the next toy they are back in playing land. Cleaning up means to stop playing! This is almost impossible to do when you are programmed to play non-stop.
DOES THIS EVER CHANGE?
Seeing stuff/toys/clothing/assessing the room, by itself and cleaning up has no meaning to them untill the age that they are socially involved and invite children over to ‘their room’. (Then they may even ask you to put the dishes away from the kitchen counter lol).
After the age of 9 playing transfers slowly into providing.
It is now more likely to happen that children re-arrange things for a guest and they may surprise you one time by a cleaned up room (done especially for you) But again only for that occasion, not for the joy of having a clean room. My oldest started to care for his room at the age of 10, my youngest at the age of 12. They both take care of their households with their partners at their adult age. Not cleaning up as a young child is not really related with being messy when grown-up.
With sleep over’s, kids as young as 3 may want to help prepare the room /bed for the friend as part of the excitement and welcome feeling, even if it is only to put a particular toy on the bed.
WHAT ABOUT EMPATHY FOR THE MOM?
Imagine your child has to go to school, but does so reluctantly. He mentions it over and over, but you have no possibility to home-school, so you can have empathy for him, but you cannot take action to change the situation. You do feel guilty for having to send him, but it is also very annoying that he keeps complaining. So you may ‘wave’ his complaints away, or listen passive and let the complaints go one ear in and the other out. Your empathy stops quickly after his next moaning because you feel power-less, even though he mentions the ‘easy’ solution to you to just home-school him.
This is similar for the child in the clean up situation. You mention that the solution for your problem is to ‘just clean up’, but they feel powerless as cleaning up is not in their child-play-programming. So they do feel your pain, and feel guilty. As you are the parent and more powerful, they will start hiding things to avoid your anger (imagine your child would get this angry/make you feel bad every time you send him to school) As your anger/self-pity is very uncomfortable for them they don’t let ‘it in’ after a while. It may even have a worse effect in self-fulfilling, meaning that the child ‘understands’ he is messy and will behave accordingly and still needs help with cleaning up in his later life.
DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU NEVER CAN EXPECT HELP FOR YOUR PROBLEM?
I say on purpose your problem. Many times we want to make our problem with a clean house the problem of the child, but as you understand from my description: it is not a child problem.
IF WE HAVE A PROBLEM WE WILL NEED TO STAND UP FOR IT
For the need-part, a three-part confrontive I message as in the Parent Effectiveness Training is taught, may work (you mention here and now real urgency)”I need help. My visitors can come any moment and I really want to present a clean living room”.
As you can guess, unless your emotional expression is really the panicky one (must be congruent though!) the message may go one ear in, the other out, as it has so much charged value.
How to address the value layers?
For the value parts of the problem:
The no-lose method with its 6 steps conflict resolution may work ahead of time, but will soon fade away as cleaning up is such a huge value-conflict. (start with the confrontive I message, shift gear to active listening, state the problem and whish able situation, come up with solutions, negotiate who is doing what, when ,how.
Advising is next on the thermometer of the peaceful parent-child relationship.
However: what are you going to advise if the child has no question or interest around cleaning up?
A confrontive value I-message may have the child change their behavior. However the child is not capable to change it in their programming, so you will need to repeat it, which will have the effects as described before.
Your best bet is BEING AN EXAMPLE in your own room/work-area. Be happy while cleaning up, admire and love your cleaned up place (congruent and honest!)
CHANGING YOUR VALUE may be an option to take the need-stress of off you.
(Why am I so uptight with it, all households with young children have messy rooms; proof that they are alive and happy; I may just decide for two no-cleaning up days a week!)
Have you ever realized that cleaning up requires skills? (There are professional cleaning companies!) That children LOVE to learn new skills when they feel attracted to them at certain ages and that children as young as 1 year old want to do things that you think they are too young for?
So your chance of grabbing the natural curiosity of children, the playful way they master skills is there!!
HOW CHILDREN LEARN AND CARE FOR THEM SELVES GOES HAND IN HAND WITH CARING FOR THE HOUSE.
You are their teacher! So if you want to teach them something you will need to be with them on their learning path.
First of all children learn by example: THIS IS YOUR VALUE CHANCE. Be aware of how you clean up. If you moan or are reluctant to clean up, it is likely that your children associate suffering with cleaning up. Do you have a space for you in the house that you keep cleaned up? Are you flexible, or rigid? Do you and your spouse both cleaning up, or is it only you? How do the two of you clean up? Together? Separate? Do you have differences of how you want things to be cleaned, arranged? Do you talk about that with conflict resolution?
Speak the child’s language of play. Can you make cleaning up part of play? Example is to aim to throw blocks in the box; dolls/toys can become talking-back personages.
Child-friendly solutions: is there space enough to store things; fun big baskets that can hold anything, so you do not need to arrange things, just ‘clean up’, especially when they are under 5y
From 3 weeks on: let them choose the clothes they want to wear. You can see a babie’s attention go to a particular set when holding two sets of clothing in front of them.
Around the age of 1-2 allow them to help you when they want to also do the dishes/ vacuum /clean; scrub the toilet; wash the mirror; hanging and folding the laundry; taking the plates out of the dishwasher.
Let them find their way, do not ‘teach’ them yet, just do your part with attention and they will look at you. Only help if they ask you to. Enjoy watching them, no comment, no fear for something breaking. Time for their own little broom and dustpan, even though they may want the big broom when you are sweeping the patio.
Around the age of 3-4 is all about attention, creating, dressing up the room: create attention for their room or space in the room with a new bed-set, bed or kid furniture; wall-painting; choosing colors/materials together.
Around the age of 5-6 Talking to them what is cleaning up and what is cleaning (what does a cleaning cloth do; how do you clean a sink, how do you vacuum clean, how does that machine work?), take them for a tour through the house (one time only, unless they ask for more often), show where you like things to be / listen to them if they have other opinions / How do you pick up things / what is arranging/ what is organizing /. Make one room together on purpose very messy. See how it feels to you (honest, if you like it, say so, ask what the child feels. Then tell the child they can go play in another part and you will do some ‘magic clean-up’. Make a big introduction when you are ready. -Does the room feel different?
Around the age of 6-7-8 talk about energy. The energy of things, how it can make tired if all is over and on each other; how it can help you think when it is organized (and no, that is not for everyone the same!!) If you are into it, talk about Feng Shui.
Talk about health / bacteria / dust / chemicals / how does the laundry work (let them do it some time if they like to). How do things seem to go quicker when you do them together, or do you rather do them alone. Can I do something for you that you do like less, and you something for me that I like less doing. Can we trade. (I am not in favor to pay children for house-chores)
These are all value teachings, so make sure to give your best shot when you introduce them, don’t nag later about it….
Around 8-9-10 choosing colors and painting their own room ; agreements about how clean they want their own room. (I asked for one day a week that all is from the floor (does not matter if it is all laying on the bed; so that I could vacuum-clean) , where, how they want their furniture.
Agreements on chosen household tasks (and changing if difficult or disliked)
Finding solutions/generate ideas to be more effective/ less time-consuming (if you change clothing to just pile them up, instead of all next to each other or create inventions for household!) other store-away boxes; cleaning equipment; doing tasks by yourself or per two.
What are all the tasks to be done daily, weekly, monthly etc. Are they really necessary; could we live without doing them every day, who needs it, what does it do for them; do we need help from outside our family;
The main thing is to initiate the above ideas at moments that you think are most favorable; not in a way like: “I should teach you next time how to do that properly” (Then you’ve missed your chance for open ears next time); continue only if they agree; not to blame on that they forgot or did a ‘lousy job’. As long as the curiosity is there to master a skill (in their play-world)
If you need urgent help, ask for urgent help in a three part I-Message.
Hopefully this will give some ideas to expand on. Of course the ages depend also how the child’s interest is. They may drift off in playing with water while doing the dishes for example. And your kitchen may be more messy in the beginning then with you doing it, and their clothes may be totally wet, but that is the priceless learning!
With Peace,
Cielja