IT’S NOT ABOUT STUFF, IT’S ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP

“This is my life” ,Jackie said with a big sigh showing a picture of her 3 year old screaming to the baby -who was crawling up to him while he was protecting his toys with his arms.

Now I know that Jackie does not really think this is her life, but it expresses the desperation that parents feel when their children seem to fight over toys. “Why do you need to be so greedy? Why can’t the baby just have ONE”? These are easy thoughts that come to us, and before we know we have a grim face, our heartbeat goes up and we yell our solution -on top of the yelling of the three year old- : “Just let him have one little toy!” Soon there-after we go up to them, rambling out the other thoughts in a harsh voice, starting by calling fiercely their name and: “Why do you need to scream so loud”, “You have so many toys” “Why can’t you share”.”Give that to him”. Before we know we are in the same trap that the kids are involved in: fight over toys while we try to overpower.

If this would be effective, the children would never have a fight again, right?Obviously it isn’t. As it happens at least 2 times on a ‘good’ day and almost non-stop on a ‘bad’ day (and depending how many children there are)

WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON?

Let’s discover what is REALLY going on, on a deeper level. How come this is such an ongoing thing. It is beyond the gentle parenting, it is beyond the peaceful conflict resolution method of Dr. Thomas Gordon, which manages so beautifully many conflicts. This young child fight lays deep imbedded in our human being. It needs remembering who we are in love and trust. It needs what I call whispering.

We are Beings of Energy of invisible light.

We stream in our own stream of invisible light meanwhile we are connected with each other. When we do something, it affects everybody else, whether we want this or not. The energy of our personal life-stream light is filled with curiosity, creativity and getting-things-done-energy. This is for young children even more so than for people in any other age. A young child’s determination is (still) full of trust that they can get what they want. It is unstoppable.

Energy attracts similar energy and the focus on toys may attract the focus of someone else on the same toys. It doesn’t matter what toy. Any toy, anything. (Advertisement uses this principle). If it was one specific toy, then the fight would be over when the toy is dealt with. But the toy may be dropped and the fight starts over another toy.

We are Beings of Expansion.

It can become pretty greedy if we focus on stuff. We have created this belief (or old programmed survival mechanism) that it is either ‘I get it’ or ‘you get it’. It becomes a fear of lack and a matter of life or death. Fear of death is the emotion that has to be dealt with. We need to dominate to handle this fear. We need to see who is strongest in the relationship in order for us to make sure we can complete our survival and our expansion. As a young child our surviving mechanism is super working and we need to establish our status continuously. Hence the more than one time fight a day.

So now that we know it is about fear of lack and a matter of life or death,

WHAT CAN WE DO?

ELIMINATING FEAR BY CREATING TRUST

Sharing does not create trust.

Many parents get unconsciously that they have to eliminate the fear of lack to stop the fight. They use the ‘sharing’ principle to build trust that each child can get something.  “Give him just one” “After him it is your turn”. It is trust focused on the toys, on stuff. You will get it later or you get some of it.

However: parents are teaching something and demanding insight of the child of a principle that is nowhere happening in the western society!

The child gets no example of this sharing that is requested of them; not this kind of sharing. Sharing with that particular thought behind it that ‘everybody ought to share’ and then fights are resolved.

We may borrow the neighbor’s car, but it is not that he has it now and you can have it tomorrow because of the idea that ‘one has to share’. It may be done because of pure need of the car or because of both benefit and idealistic use of the car/energy, but not out of a principle ‘we ought to share’ and then we can stop our fights.

It is not about everybody ought to share stuff, period! If we really would believe that, we would not have a gap between the poor and the rich;  we would not allow that thousands of kids go hungry to bed in our own country.

It is because of this double standard that this ‘sharing’ does not hold. It has to be mentioned over and over again before maybe the child does it the way the parent insists on it. If at all the child adapts it, they may do it as an automatic response to avoid feelings of shame or an angry parent, or as to please the parent and being a ‘good child’.

If this sharing principle would contribute to inner trust, it would not need to be repeated over and over either.

So if there is no building up trust in having or getting the stuff, how can we deal with the fear? How can we build up trust that one’s life is not in danger, that expansion still will happen?

WE HAVE TO ASSIST THE CHILD TO FIND THE TRUST IN THEMSELVES TO GUIDE THE CONFLICT AND WITH THAT FINDING TRUST IN THE RELATIONSHIP!!

Let’s look very basic on what a child has going on in the moment of conflict about a toy.

The focus seems to be on the toy, but we know now that their real focus is on who is stronger.

Here is where the parent has a most delightful task:

Stay away from thinking about the toy

and

Acknowledge the ‘who is stronger’ focus without judgment!

The parent should stay away from the trap of the fight about the stuff but neither should the parent step in the trap of judging who is the stronger one, who is the aggressor and who is the victim.

Acknowledgement that there is a conflict. “I hear there is a lot going on here!”

Offering to assist. “aieaieaie” or: “Can I help?”

(screaming) messages of the child: “My toys!” Baby screaming or crying.

Active Listening on the relationship:

“Wow, you for sure don’t want the baby to get closer, you were just playing by yourself”

“And you want to reach but he is holding his arms over them and screaming like not wanting you close.”

(Compare this with Active Listening with focus on the stuff: “Wow, you really want to keep them all for yourself” “And you wanted to have a toy too, right”?)

After this there are more scenarios possible.

The 3 year old can start explaining (still firmly!) that he wants indeed to play by himself when he is verbally; or he walks away with his toys or even goes sitting in front of the baby to block him if he is not verbal.

The baby may continue to cry. This is however not crying because he did not get a toy, it is crying for loss in the relationship. You will hear a difference. It sometimes makes our ‘heart break’ and this can seduce us to go back into having the older boy still giving him a toy.  Holding the baby if needed however, and giving an active listening message is the best empowerment  for the baby: “You were scared when your brother screamed at you” or “You do not like this at all hein”.

If you feel he needs empowerment you can ‘translate’ him to the three year old: “I think he was really scared at the moment you screamed at him”. Be aware to not give the tone of blame here. It’s only translating in words what the baby expresses. And continue “ You are happy now, let’s see if we can have the baby being happy too”.

Here may come the moment that the 3 year old spontaneously gives a toy to the baby, or the baby shifts focus and is interested in something else. You can give an acknowledgement message on the relationship: “You feel like giving him something because you are feeling ok, right?” Like celebrating the good feeling together.

Only give a positive I message if you feel your heart becomes really totally tender for your 3 year old when you see him giving the toy in kids images like: Oh, I get a smile in my heart’ or “I feel happy now too” . (not a ‘Good Job’ message to him or a ‘You’re fine’ message to the baby!)

If no action comes from the 3 year old, you go on the search with the baby what he would like. Now you can focus on a toy! (yeay, finally) or play or read a book with the baby. Remember however that energy flows where attention goes, so your three yo may then want you to read a book to him and a fight may start over.

With a 3 yo and a baby there is no sitting down and discussing what to do for when a fight happens again in the future. For them there is only the here and now. However you can give a value statement immediate after the conflict in mentioning like: “I want you to be happy and I want him to be happy and I want me to be happy too!” But do this only if you feel like it, not as a ‘teaching’.

You may have never done it this way and give up easily if you see ‘no result’. Children have to adapt to a new way of communication. It takes work for you to relax your own stress and be in the moment as an assistant and observer rather than a policeman, judge and solving the problem for them. You become a gentle whisperer for yourself, staying connected with the peace that you want to create.

This way you have a chance of breaking the focus on the stuff, get away from fear and giving the children more and more guidance in their own hands of dealing with a conflict. Conflicts will be less and less (never none) and experienced as needs or value differences that all people have. Children will develop trust in themselves, in each other, in you, and build a strong sibling relationship or friend-relationship.