HELP, MY PARTNER DOES NOT ACTIVE LISTEN!

HELP, MY PARTNER DOES NOT ACTIVE LISTEN!

If only one of the parents comes to the Parent Effectiveness Training, I always hope the partner will follow within a year.

It is hard for the first partner who wants to use the skills, and it is also hard on the partner who did not do the training to understand what changes are taking place. They can read the book and even do some exercises of the work-book together, however the live training is set up to stir up underlying response-patterns.

When you learn the P.E.T. skills you will get to moments that you are totally confused, overwhelmed, not knowing anything anymore. This way your old response patterns are shaken up and will re-set themselves.

By reading the book alone you will not touch your old response and reaction patterns. They do not move on knowledge. The emotions have to be stirred up, even upset you because of resistance towards the new learning or towards what you hear. With these feelings the parent has to re-think and re-respond in the Gordon-way. That are moments that real changes take place. Also seeing the demonstrations are important, as are the insights you get when working with another parent or hearing them expressing themselves.

MEN AND WOMEN HAVE DIFFERENT THOUGHT-PATTERNS, AND THEREFORE A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE

Men and women have different thought-patterns, therefore they speak a different language. It is what attracts them to each other, it is however also what alienates them from each other if they are not aware of this. “Ah, that’s just how (s) he is” is often the idea behind it.

Getting children brings new languages with every child, and makes the situation more complex.

A real Babylon can happen!

The Gordon skills acknowledge that people have different ways of thinking and of expressing themselves. Active Listening is what most women love to get from their spouses, and is often the hardest skill to put to practice for men, conflict resolution is many man’s favorite, and here it is often hard for women to let go of the feeling that they have to execute the solutions generated.

What is so amazing, is that the difference in man/woman thinking and language, the difference in adult/child thinking and language can disappear when all use the skills! Each is a person, a personality and is acknowledged with their own needs, values, and capabilities.

The no-lose method brings everybody together to structure each of their languages towards understanding and peaceful conflict solutions. The main tools are Active Listening, I messages and the 6 step Conflict Resolution.

WHAT IF ONLY ONE PARENT USES THE SKILLS

If only one parent uses the skills however, this parent has to Active Listen to themselves too, as the partner does not use the skill of active listening. This can be felt as not being understood by the first parent, as if the partner wouldn’t care.

Once you have experienced and practiced Active Listening, you want more of it in your life. Getting a so called ‘Roadblock’ from your spouse, or hearing these being used with the children, becomes so obvious.

However the partner has no idea as they do not use the skills. The demand on him/her can be felt un-reasonable or they do not see why the partner would make a fuss out of something.

Can you see that it is from two different angles that the partners look from? It is not that they don’t care or make a fuss out of something. They just don’t see what the other sees! It’s not them, it’s the communication.

So, they can decide for two ways:

1. 1.       Totally acceptance that they will talk and listen differently
2. 2.       Have the partner enter the P.E.T. Training

1. In the first choice they still need to acknowledge towards each other openly that they have a difference in talking and listening.  Instead of seeing ‘to be listened to’ as a need, it can be taken out of the ‘need area’ and be decided for as being a value-difference. This can relax.

However the children will respond differently to each way of communicating.

There are several ways to deal with value differences in the Gordon Method.

1. The second choice would be the most logical step to bond in the relationship and make the heart-to-heart connection strong again. The children will flourish.

WHAT CAN WE DO WHEN SEPARATION FEELINGS SHOW UP?

At the stage that there may be feelings of separation, the first choice is still an option. The partners will stay together but going more their own way with consent of the other.

The second choice will give the most chances to the partners to feel their connection again and what they originally intended when starting out as a couple.

It may be a good thing that the skills are learned first by the partner who did not do the P.E.T. yet, to not feel the pressure in the sessions of the one who knows the skills already.

It will become clearer what each partner wants in life and whether they are on a way to do so together.

If not, separation is a last option. It will not lightly be chosen, but if so done with the Gordon Skills, the respect the partners have for each other will stay, as will willingness to cooperate and even their heart-to-heart connection.

That is crucial In case of children being involved.

However it is more likely that the partners find the way back to each other, only just by applying the skills.

The Gordon Training is a real ‘no-lose’ method!

A hint for men: Active Listening is your best ally.

A hint for women: trust that choosing a final solution and how and by whom it will be executed will happen. You have the evaluation step to come back to it.

Peace and Love,

Cielja