WHAT IS THE ADVANTAGE OF FULLY LETTING THE CHILD DICTATE THE RYTHM, THAT THE REST OF THE WORLD DOESN’T HAVE…?

This question and the subject of STRUCTURE came up after a discussion I had with a new dad. He told me that he and his wife were thinking about putting their baby to bed at 7PM and he wondered whether it was maybe too early for the baby. I told him I do not believe in, or use, hourly routine in parenting so that that was a hard question for me!

The fun part with hard questions is that they can go back to roots, to essential subjects, thoughts, convictions, values. If we then think that these values and pre-set ideas are the answers to our questions and that they should therefore be executed as such, we forget a big part of the whole. We still have to embrace the response! It is not only what WE think/decide about it, it is a communication with the other, co-creating our new reality.

Parents amongst us who have young children will have experienced that a child will not be easily satisfied with an answer for example as ‘All children have to go to school’ or ‘You are grumpy in the morning if you go to bed too late’. A child wants to know why you say that, what is the ‘truth’ in what you are saying. They oppose fiercely because first of all, it is not their need to go to school or to bed.

But mainly what they are asking is that you step down from your ‘knowing-all’ position and review your thinking. And that is a step, parents do not often dare to make.

Reviewing does not mean that therefore the child can now dictate. But a parent should neither dictate “Because I say so” or let the society dictate: “Because, that is how it is done”. A child asks for a fair chance in viewing the world and how we operate in it, together. And as we are a learning species, here is your chance to learn together with your child and be a drop of change for society meanwhile.

If you shiver by the idea that your child is going to dictate your schedule, then don’t operate in dictating a schedule to them either. It is for them the same as it would feel for you.

It is your example that will be their greatest teaching and yes that starts with the baby.

Here is a PARENT WHISPER that I share in the parent training:

For any parenting question you have you can easily run it through the FIRST CHECK:

IF MY SPOUSE, FRIEND OR FAMILY-MEMBER WOULD BE DOING OR SAYING TO ME, WHAT I AM ABOUT TO BE DOING OR SAYING TO MY CHILD, WOULD I BE OKAY WITH THAT?

If not, don’t do or say it!

If you did or said it already, feel how you feel, apologize as you would need your spouse, friend or best family-member to apologize to you and make it up.

TIME

Time does not exist in a child’s life under the age of 7. They can get an energetic ‘feel’ for that the timer will go off in 5 minutes or an image feel for that you ‘count down’ before you say you wanted to leave, but  longer than that is hard to encompass. It is too abstract. A child lives in the here and now. (Ha! Another thing they are our teachers in!) There is no yesterday and no tomorrow. Tomorrow you can have a sleepover, only means for the child that they cannot have it now. The panic and screaming is from the concept: ‘never’ as they cannot see beyond now.

BABY

First: you can do whatever you feel like for a schedule with a baby. As long as the baby is fine with it, all is fine. That is great to know! The hint lays in ‘as long as’. And that is in fact the schedule that you both are going to set up. The schedule is based on timely needs. Needs vary every day, even every minute in a baby and toddler’s life. The amazing growing of this baby-toddler is something you will never get a chance to ‘re-witness’. Nature is working hard to get all safe and sound going and growing. All it needs in the support is a mom/and-or dad.

Do you want to be that mom/dad?

It is not easy as we are not used to it, it’s an ever-changing schedule, like a living organism.

It is living in the creation of eternity and that is the most satisfying experience.

It is not you against the child, it is you being there for your child and growing, learning together.

If you can live this way it is not the child who dictates, it is not you who dictates. It is you becoming parent-smart to get in tune and match what you need with what the child needs.

The advantage of living together in the creation of eternity is that you experience your parent being as a spiritual being, a unique chance to grab with both hands. The advantage for the baby-toddler is that there is full trust in their human experience. The parent is there for them. This will instill a basic trust in them (their needs are worthy to be met) and give them an unshakeable basis of self-esteem. This way you can never ‘spoil’ a child as you give them what nature intended for those first years: you.

ABOUT THE SOCIETY

But what if you work, you will never get anything done when living in the creation of eternity….

That’s right.

If it is unavoidable, you need to create more people around you who can move easily with you and the baby in and out this space, who can fulfill your role, sothat it will not be a tearing of the bonding in the first years. Remember you cannot re-do them and they will not be accessible as they go to the subconscious mind of the child.

Originally we have lived in tribes. The child stayed mostly in the known environment, with the familiar faces, voices, smiles and love around them.

HOW CAN YOU BUILD A TRIBE AROUND YOU,

WHO IS THERE FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR BABY/TODDLER?

A SECOND PARENT WHISPER:

YOU ARE THE SOCIETY.

If you say society demands things of you, review your belief in that. Know that you are part of the whole, so you are the society. Your society is changing all the time. If you are not happy with your part in society: change it. And with changing your part, other parts have to change with you.